STORYNATTIE

Dating Safety

The following advice was compiled from the wonderful members of the DD_Forum, a free forum that the Discipline & Desire folks started to bring the spanking community closer together. I asked a few questions, and the members gave me TONS of advice. Here it is, organized and compiled, from 2001. (And the first guy I met turned out to be my own Mister Sir!)

Take It Slow

From LadyWydryn:
Take it plenty slowly. Take your time and be comfortable. There is nothing wrong with wanting time. And don't let anyone tell you there is...... Any guy who isn't willing to invest the time now, probably won't invest the time later either.... I was very careful about this.... my feeling was "if he won't take the time to talk to me and listen to me and care about my feelings and my comfort now, what will happen down the road when/if there is a problem between us? What would make me think his behavior and attitude will be any different then?" This took me a while to learn...... I not only met Dave the Stalker, but a couple of other beauts along the way.. But it paid off in the long run.

Matt and I emailed daily for months before we even talked about meeting one another. And then (I really was neurotic.... and he was so okay with it) we just hung out together about once a week for another 2 months before he ever spanked me. Matt made a huge investment in me and I in him. At this point in the relationship (a couple of YEARS later) when there is a problem (and there inevitably WILL BE a problem) we are able to talk it out, take care of each other etc.... because we learned to do that for each other in the beginning of the relationship.

Getting to Know Each Other

From LadyWydryn:
Question: What do you talk about, and how do you get to know someone without revealing too many details about your life right away?

We talked about everything imaginable. Remember we emailed daily. We did a getting to know you kind of a thing. One of us would comment on something we heard in the news or read or whatever. We discovered we both were dedicated NPR listeners (although different favorite programs) which gave us both plenty to talk about. We talked about things we were doing in "real life". Things like "I'm going out to dinner with some girlfriends from work tonight" or "I have the meeting from hell tomorrow, wish me luck" or "The cat just threw up all over my antique quilt on the bed, so sorry, gotta go". We were really clear from the beginning (well, almost the beginning..... we had about a week and a half of very bumpy emails during which we both almost gave up on the other one) that we needed to get to know each other as people. I didn’t want to just be a backside for him to spank and he didn't want to just be a spanker. We both wanted to find a friend in this as well.

From Kristin:
You asked about how to get to know someone via e-mail. I understand the need to protect your privacy and, if I were you, I'd just tell him that up front. I'd also recommend that, if you are serious about meeting this man some day, that you stick as close to the truth as possible without revealing all the details of your life. One thing you always can share with him is your feelings. And after all, isn't it his reaction to you on an emotional level that is important when finding a spanker? Of course, safety is an issue and the r/l details will come if you decide to go to a r/l meeting. (And if that happens, you'd better believe there will be a bunch of us here willing to help with safe calls, etc.)

But to find out if he's a good emotional fit, why not lay out a scene for him. Set it up by sharing the beginning of something that you've fantasized about (i.e., coming home with a speeding ticket, etc) and then let him respond as he normally would. Of course, he's probably not going to give you everything you need/want, but if it's close enough and makes you feel comfortable, then that should give you something to go on.

From Susan:
There is a guy that has been writing to me for over 6 months now, and in one of the first few emails we traded back and forth, he made a comment about how he would handle my attitude if he lived closer LOL. ( Not that *I* have a bratty attitude or anything...) I in turn sent him back a story that I wrote that involved a sassy girl in it. However, I didn't finish the story. I wrote it up to the part where the man would "take over" and spank the sassy brat. lol He loved it, and finished the story. We've written many stories like this. Sometimes he starts the story, sometimes I do. But besides the story we always write a personal note to each other. I have enjoyed this way of getting to know each other. On one occasion, I disagreed on the way a spanking was given. (I thought the girl in the story got off light considering the offense.)

Another time, the man in a story he was writing used a common implement that I cannot stand, and will not "play" with due to some previous associations with it. Through writing these stories,I was able to take the opportunity to bring these topics up to him. Even though I have no problem telling someone about my limits, or likes and dislikes, this was a nice way to talk though different situations. I guess what I am trying to say that it's a good way to get a feel for how someone thinks...or at the very least...opens up topics for discussion. I realize that a lot of people, both men and women alike, don't like to write stories...but if you find someone that does....this is a fun way to get to know them! :-)

From Cindy:
As Lynne pointed out you really need to put your toes in the water a bit and see where it goes. You can do that and still make a good decision. Will you ever make a bad decision? Maybe.. I know I did.

For me it was important to feel that the person I "meeting" understood the incredible responsibility the dominant partner has in this lifestyle; to understand that the control and discipline was not a game and he must be able to treat it and me seriously and especially he had to "KNOW" that it was a whole lot more than just the physical. He had to understand that the emotions played a major part.. both mine and his!

There are no set of questions that I could give you to ask him. I simply talked a lot about these things and asked a million questions. Once I felt reasonably comfortable that we were on the same page then I proceeded with a real time meeting. I say reasonably comfortable because as you know this lifestyle is based on trust... trust is earned and that only comes over time.

So be cautious, but not so cautious you don't try.

Discretion

From LadyWydryn:
Oh, do I know this one well. I am currently an elementary school principal. In case you weren't aware, principals are NOT supposed to have sex lives lol.... and definitely NOT INTERESTING sex lives...... certainly nothing as bold as spanking. LOLOLOL

I was super cautious at first. And I told Matt why. Basically I told him that I worked in the public sector and that I needed to keep this part of my life VERY private and confidential or it would likely cost me my career. We'd been emailing about a month before I gave him the details of what I actually did for a living. (I actually kept all of those old emails. They are so sweet to me now. I pulled them out and looked through them to be able to answer you...lol) He understood and earned my trust one degree at a time.

Phone

From Joyce:

I'm big on doing phone before meeting hand to butt. I learn so much more about the Top from his tone, laugh, dialogue, and the respect he shows to his potential lady.

My home number is unlisted, but if I give it out to a jerk, that doesn't protect one from hang-ups. Knock wood -- I don't have hang-ups....at least it's been years. I use an answering machine to screen calls -- and the message is by a man. That usually puts these heavy breathers in their place. Of course, I have been spanked for not picking up fast enough when one of my real spankers call...If the machine gets through the opening line, I have red tail explaining to do.

Consider a second line. One for business and one for playtime. That way you would know what voice to answer the phone with. LOL! I have caller ID, so I recognize the number of the caller and answer with their name and my naughty voice. Also, it makes them believe they are the "only" one calling me. HA!

From Sharon:
Speaking on the phone is better than e-mail because you can get a feel for the other person by hearing the voice. I recommend speaking on the phone a few times before you meet and then meet in a public place.

From TC:
In my experience, some men are more than happy to give out their number, some are just as cautious as we are. - I don't push the point with the latter as I don't want it pushed with me. Usually when I call, I am using a cell phone and even will use *67, or I will be using a long distance card from a hotel room (I have a tendency to call when I am on the road.) In either case, the phone number can't be traced back to my home.

From Karen:
I voice chat quite often and it works pretty well. You can do this using yahoo messenger, msn, paltalk.com, etc. Voice chat actually almost sounds like a phone conversation. All you need is a mic and a small set of speakers, most computers have jacks for this or if you use a laptop most have internal mic/speakers. Hope this helps. Also, for long distance it is free. Karen

Safewords

From Barb:
One thing I do think you should insist on is having safewords between you, even if you are absolutely determined NOT to ever use them if you are in a punishment situation. You need that kind of safety net to be able to stop things if his ability to read you and your body language hasn't been tried and tested. In fact my disciplinarian insisted on them and reminds me of them each time we get ready to start. I have never used them and haven't even come close, but it meant a lot to me that he was determined to make my spankings appropriate to the level that I could tolerate.

Safety

From Cindy:
So you still have to be safe and do not allow anyone to push you into anything. If someone is sincere in knowing you they will wait until you are ready and feel comfortable.

From Barb:
I haven't given any identifying info out. I'd thinking the safest way to meet is at a coffee shop near or in a hotel. if I'd comfortable, go up to a room w/ him.

You need to be VERY careful for your safety. There are lots of wonderful men who are into this, but you know it has to attract a lot of weirdoes, too. When I was getting ready to have my first spanking, (only a little over a month ago) I had a friend who talked to a very experienced dom about safety procedures. I will attach his note to her, that she sent to me. Maybe this will give you some ideas.

I am thinking we might want to put a list of suggested security measures some where on our site. What do the rest of you think? I got several good posts from different friends when I was getting ready to meet with someone for the first time.

This is coming from the male perspective. He starts out talking about people's reluctance to share personally identifying information:

Let me tell you how I do this and this is also what I suggest to other women I have just chatted with who are planning to meet a guy for a r/t session.

It appears to me that most people today meet through the Internet and also that usually the guy has approached the gal through a chat room or ad. If a woman and I are chatting and she tells me that she is planning to meet with someone I ask her if she knows if the guy has been with a woman for spanking sessions before. Usually she says that he has been. I suggest then that she ask him to give her the E-mail names of two or three of his previous partners so that she can talk with them. I also suggest that if he, upon hearing that request, might tell her that he respects their privacy and cannot do that. I tell her that she should counter that by telling him that she understands this and is expecting that he would ask for their permission to give her their names. I furthermore point out that 99% of women would be willing to do this. I also tell her to tell him that she plans to talk to at least one of these women by phone.

I also suggest that she ask him (as they finalize meeting plans) that she attempt to get a full name and work phone number and home address. If he hesitates she needs to let him know that she will meet with him for lunch, drinks, coffee, whatever in a public place and that if he provides this info to her at that point she will then decide (also based on chemistry, etc.) whether to go private with him. Once he provides this (and she has verified it by checking his driver's license), she is then BEFORE going to a hotel to call a friend and give them that info along with the name of the hotel, name of guest, phone number of hotel.

She is to call that friend again in about two hours to check in. She is to let him know that she is doing this and that if a call does not come through that her friend is to call the hotel and have security check on them. This friend now has the guys name, home address, etc.

Nothing is fail safe. Incidents can happen here just like date rapes can happen among friends. The most important thing is for the woman (and the guy also actually) take precautions.

I would strongly advise your friend against meeting with this guy until: 1 -- she has spoken on the phone with (and even better met with) at least one of his previous partners (and btw, I also use this to check on her. I ask my previous partners if they saw any "red flags" in their conversations with a potential partner) 2 -- gotten his home address info (yes, she could get this the day they meet for coffee, etc) 3 -- before going to a room with him call you (or someone) and give the relevant info to you and then calling you later from the hotel.

I furthermore suggest that if he is unwilling to do ALL of the above, do not meet! Find someone else.

I guess the most important thing is that someone know where you are and who you are with IN CASE something happens. That can be tough, because there is no one locally that knows what I was getting ready to do.

Someone locally would probably be best, but I didn't have anyone I felt comfortable telling that I was meeting someone from the Internet (they would ask too many questions later, LOL) much less someone I was willing to tell that I was meeting someone who was going to SPANK me. LOL, My safe call was a friend from this list that I had known for about 3 years.

Don't neglect basic safety precautions no matter how comfortable you feel with the person.

From Lynne:
I think there is a balance you have to have when attempting to meet someone. Talk online, then talk on the phone for awhile. See how he really sounds to you when you are conversing, where he doesn't have time to weigh and measure all of his responses. Does the conversation flow? Do you feel at ease talking to him? Can you discuss things other than the spanking issues? If you are looking for a life partner, not just a disciplinarian, go about it as you would any vanilla relationship. And, ask if he has anyone from either this list or others that you can talk to. I have been asked by several former spankers if they could use me as a reference and I am always happy to do so.

Red Flags

From Lynne:
Follow your gut level instincts. If you feel something is wrong it probably is. For example, i once met someone online and had decided NOT to meet him. I wasn’t sure why, but i just didn’t feel right. He kept calling and calling, and wouldn’t take no for an answer. He said a lot of the right things, but something just didn’t ring true, but after weeks of his driving me nuts with calls, i agreed to meet him. I wont give all the gory details, suffice it to say it was a horrible experience. I met a number of men from online before i met my s/o. Take your time, talk a LOT about what his needs are and yours, make sure they mesh. Talk about what the first meeting will be like, what will happen, etc. The more experience you get the more you will know what questions YOU need to ask to feel safe, and know if this person is right for you to meet.

For anyone who is looking to find someone to meet from online, there are some basic things to watch out for. Whether you want to meet just to "play" or you are looking to meet Mr/Ms Right, remember safety first, and all the things you should do before meeting someone in person. Here is just a partial list of some behavioral "red flags". I am sure that there are people who can add to this, but as Josh asked me to do this, I thought i would start it out.

From Josh:
Another one I've run into in trying to help others with this is someone saying "I'm married, so I really can't afford to have a third party know this information because it could get back to my spouse." Whether you agree with meeting married people or not, how do you know that's not just an excuse. If you're the only one with the information, what good will it do if something happens to you? A trusted third party needs to have the information and the person you're meeting needs to know they have it and know what to do with it if something goes wrong or it won't keep you safe.

I will add to that that you need to have pre-set times that you will call your "safe call". If you are in a bad situation, (and unfortunately, I learned this the hard way), and you cannot call someone, if you know THEY will be calling at a certain time, and the top knows this as well, you HAVE to answer the phone. You talk about that ahead of time. I have also always had a cue for my safe call that lets them know if I am NOT ok, something I discuss with them ahead of time. For example, if I am fine, having a good time, I say that, if something is wrong, I say, everything is honkey dorey.

That tells my friend to come rescue me. It was because of that pre-caution that I extricated myself out of a potentially dangerous situation one time. ALWAYS tell your safe call where you are, and BE THERE. If you change places, CALL YOUR SAFE CALL.

Those are just a few to start off with. The basic thing for any kind of relationship to work is trust, and that takes time, effort, and a commitment on both parts. Someone who wants it instantly is not a good choice. Maturity is important, as is emotional stability. If YOU have been abused by anyone in your life, make sure that you have healed that part of your past and can enter this in a healthy manner. Another is to know what YOU want. Giving mixed signals can also put you in a position you do not want to be in. Be careful with playing games. For example, if you are new to all this tell the other person. At that point you really don't know how hard you want to be spanked, or what your level really is. If the top knows this, they can act accordingly and bring you along. If you fake it, and want them to think you have tons of experience, you really could get hurt. An experienced top will also discuss after care with you. THIS IS VERY important. I am sure we will have more discussions on that, but it is one of the things you should listen for or ask about as a newbie.

After Care

From Cindy:
I wonder why we don't discuss this very much when for our own physical and emotional well being it is so important. I have heard of some people who literally go into a state of shock. They have to be given something to drink (I understand orange juice is a favored choice) and kept warm. Although this has never happened to me I do know the only person I need or want afterwards is my partner. I MUST be able to feel him and touch him. I need to have him hold me close.

From Lynne:
Aftercare for me is time spent wrapped in my s/o's arms, being told I am forgiven and I am his good girl again. Sometimes, if I have had a very long hard session he will put a cold cloth on my bottom, or ask if I want some cream rubbed in. But, ahh, that one leads to a whole lot of other things :) Mostly, we cuddle, and I finish crying and pulling myself back together, and if I have been very emotional, i get put to bed, tucked in, and kissed goodnight :)